State of the Claude, Day 17
Oct. 23rd, 2009 08:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tothelightIf I could put as much work into my lab writeups as these I'd be rockin' my education :(
ETA: Edited part about his fourth memory now that I've actually replayed that sequence, sob.
So, four memories, a little over two weeks and experiences of all kinds! What does Gold make of all this?
"You're your own person. Don't forget that. They're waiting-- I do this willingly." It's the only clue to his former self that he has at first, and it was confusing! Since the first part seemed to be telling him to look out for himself, but then it sounded like "he" was doing this for other people. Contradictory? ...he didn't dwell too long on in since there was an entire new environment to explore and things to learn about it orz. And after seeing how much help one of his new teammates needed in general living and another one slit his own throat to save everyone else for a Game, there was no way he was going to just 'be his own person', former self or not.
The first three memories he won didn't tell him much about who he is/was in personality, but they did give him some facts about himself and the outside world that he found interesting, so he was pretty content with them. He used to be a traveler of some kind at one point, a swashbuckling one who could call up animals and also rode in giant metal ships in space, apparently. And he had companions with him in one of them, though since his attention wasn't focused on them at the time he hasn't a clue about what kind of people they were. (Probably not that bad if they were busy doing something weird together. :/a)
The fourth memory made him aware of a lot more about his former self, but nothing he hasn't already found himself to be in Sabra La Tau. In that memory "he" was someone willing to turn his back on what could be his only chance to go home-- something he'd spent what felt like ages looking for-- to stay with his friends and see them through some kind of ultimate fate-deciding battle (for many, many people, though the memory doesn't tell him what the circumstances are) lying ahead. These might even be the same people his former self meant in the message. He'd journeyed with them, could count on them, would fight to protect any and all of them. They might even be the ones waiting for him to find them again. He truly belonged with them. His exchange with the girl with blue hair-- Rena--- confirm this.
And he realizes that, even here, people and the bonds he forms-- affection, friendship, love-- are very important to him. They matter more to him than his own personal fears and desires, and he'd take a deep hurt if it meant keeping them from one. Hell, dying (especially the prospect of it) terrified him once he was actually in the hot seat, but the thought that it was either him or Red-- and Red had gone through this twice that he knew of-- set his resolve. ...which again, seems to contradict what he was instructed in the first part of the tube message. Maybe he should have let Red take the fall again?
"Or maybe the person I am is someone who wants to look out for people. /o/" Problem solved. Maybe future memories would make him think this over again, but for now he's mostly comfortable with this explanation of himself, both past-him and Blank-him. And while he wants to win however many Games it takes for him to get back to the people waiting for him soon-- whoever they are-- he's pretty sure any memory he wins by sacrificing someone else will have no value to him, no matter how important it may be. And if for some reason it was a choice between him and someone else he cared for getting to finish, he'd let the other one go first.
What does bother him is the times when people like Scowl and Blade treat him like he's incapable-- it irritates him more than he lets on for some reason he can't quite define, but if he had to frame it it would be that he's taken care of himself and his team pretty decently for over two weeks, it's not like he's a liability :/a He can't blame them for their opinion since he knows the first impression they got wasn't exactly fantastic, but it just means he's a little more eager to prove his competence to them.
He's also aware that compared to the other modes of death he's seen so far, his was probably the lightest and easiest lot. And he guesses if he lets on in any way that a part of him is really shit-scared of stepping up to the plate again, Red's going to stop him, and then probably suffer again because he himself chickened out... and while Red's always turned things around with his smiles and energy, more and more Gold's realizing that he's forcing himself in these situations, and he's conflicted between going along with the change of mood or addressing it head-on. The former's what he does for now, because that's what Red seems to want, but if things carry on the way they are there might come a time when there's no way to smile anymore.
Then there's the paradox of not wanting Red to SACRIFICE HIMSELF because not only does it HURT, but it also hurts to watch (he's not sure which one is worse), and knowing that Red would go through the exact same thing if they swapped roles. Which really, utterly sucks, and is Claude's driving force to try and find a way to stop Trickster's Games altogether, because if they do then they won't have to keep making that decision where no one wins and everyone loses. ...He's probably not going to succeed. Where this will take his character? Maybe someplace more negative than now. :(
Dwelling on these things doesn't serve much of a purpose, anyway, with other important things going on around him. He's quite worried about Dusky by now; it's been a week or so since she's gone missing, and Red's predictions of her coming back from being hungry haven't come around :(. He doesn't actively bring it up to the others, but when he's not working with stuff he goes wandering through the caves looking for her, or any sign of her at all. Silver's pretty ambivalent about tasks (for lack of a more polite way to put it), and though he does help out at surprisingly opportune times (occasionally) it feels a lot like him and Red are pretty much The Team at this point of time. He doesn't mind this, though, since he's confident that when they work together they can pull all kinds of stuff off :(b
As for the other teams? Gold's policy is to get to know the people and hopefully maintain friendly terms, if not friendship; unlike Red, though, it's not so much for the sake of their assisting his team in future as just his own idea that since they're all Blanks in the same situation, they should be helping one another rather than letting bastards like the Trickster set them at each other's throats for his own amusement. What Grape and Joe did-- and Fluffy acquiesced to, apparently-- in the latest Trickster game unsettled and horrified him not a little, but while he doesn't understand the why exactly, he's decided to at least give them a chance to explain their view on the thing, since he got all the facts second-hand.
IN CONCLUSION: Likes people, prefers everyone to get along, winning Games is nice but not if it means screwing over others, scared of death, even more unwilling to let other people die for him (esp. certain teammates), FUCK TRICKSTER, figuring out how to best protect people. :/a
haha it's not over yet.
BONUS MATERIAL: chronology of relevant ingame events!
Day 2 - Woke up in Sabra. Met his teammates. Killed his first lizard. Played Game 1 (Trickster), got the horrible tatt, saw Red SHANK HIMSELF for their first win [Happy-Triv - Steak], walked in on Scarlet in the showers, first communal meal with people from other groups (mainly Pyxis and Vulpecula).
Day 2 (? next day, anyway) - Messenger's first visit, soap-making task. Played Game 2 (Soldier), RAP BATTLE. Second win! [Sad-Triv - Barney]
Day 3 - Soap complete!
Day 4 - Missed the hunting party with the giant lizard and Game 3 (Soldier). (Probably taking care of Dusky offscreen and D:ed at Red for busting his arms up.)
Day 5 - MIA for Game 4 (Beauty). VERMIN. :(
Day 6 - MIA for Game 5 (Veils). Third win (in absentia)! [Neu-Triv - Space]
Day 7 - found his way back fromhiatus some deep dark part of the caves. Leg injured by Black. Heard from Lucky about Red's death in Game 6 (Trickster). Met Othar.
Day 8 - Talked with Rin about Red and the dying thing in general, and Rex and Lucky about the games. Met Fluffy.
Day 9* - Stake-making. Met people (Joe, Chosen, Zack and Steel). Asked to make wooden sword by Chosen. Lucky eating weird mushrooms and puking on Silver. :(
Day 10 - Played Game 8 (Beauty). Fought GIANT METAL LIZARD thanks to Steel. Watched Zack get perforated (what seriously) and fixed him up.
Day 11 - Bitten by Copper :(
Day 12 - Searching for Dusky by now. Met Grandpa and Grape. Ran into all of Hydra in the caves, encountered terapedes, got knocked out and hauled back. Played Game 9 (Angel). Fourth win! [Neu-Sig - Eluria Tower] Late night shower = meeting Braid, accidental tatt exposure to Black.
Day 13 - Played Game 10 (Soldier). Met Bronze. Arranged hunting trip w/ Hydra.
Day 14 - Hunting trip (Blade, Scowl, Red, Bronze, Grandpa). Fatty lizard kill, split halves with Hydra.
Day 15 - Played Game 11 (Veils). DIED but not sure. Played Game 12 (Trickster). DIED AGAIN and very sure about it. Watching the first rift between the teams thanks to Cygnus.
Day 16 - Talked with Scowl and Blade about Game 12 and No Hard Feelings. Talked with Copper. VODKA. Eye-talk with Red. Mentioned his SPAAACE memory to him.
Day 17(?) - Hangover :(. Came too late for Game 13 (Messenger). Noticed Copper had a strange memory. Saw Blade training and talked for a bit.
* - Dusky-mun on hiatus by now and Dusky missing ICly around this time.
...wow that came out pretty long OH WELL.
ETA: Edited part about his fourth memory now that I've actually replayed that sequence, sob.
So, four memories, a little over two weeks and experiences of all kinds! What does Gold make of all this?
"You're your own person. Don't forget that. They're waiting-- I do this willingly." It's the only clue to his former self that he has at first, and it was confusing! Since the first part seemed to be telling him to look out for himself, but then it sounded like "he" was doing this for other people. Contradictory? ...he didn't dwell too long on in since there was an entire new environment to explore and things to learn about it orz. And after seeing how much help one of his new teammates needed in general living and another one slit his own throat to save everyone else for a Game, there was no way he was going to just 'be his own person', former self or not.
The first three memories he won didn't tell him much about who he is/was in personality, but they did give him some facts about himself and the outside world that he found interesting, so he was pretty content with them. He used to be a traveler of some kind at one point, a swashbuckling one who could call up animals and also rode in giant metal ships in space, apparently. And he had companions with him in one of them, though since his attention wasn't focused on them at the time he hasn't a clue about what kind of people they were. (Probably not that bad if they were busy doing something weird together. :/a)
The fourth memory made him aware of a lot more about his former self, but nothing he hasn't already found himself to be in Sabra La Tau. In that memory "he" was someone willing to turn his back on what could be his only chance to go home-- something he'd spent what felt like ages looking for-- to stay with his friends and see them through some kind of ultimate fate-deciding battle (for many, many people, though the memory doesn't tell him what the circumstances are) lying ahead. These might even be the same people his former self meant in the message. He'd journeyed with them, could count on them, would fight to protect any and all of them. They might even be the ones waiting for him to find them again. He truly belonged with them. His exchange with the girl with blue hair-- Rena--- confirm this.
And he realizes that, even here, people and the bonds he forms-- affection, friendship, love-- are very important to him. They matter more to him than his own personal fears and desires, and he'd take a deep hurt if it meant keeping them from one. Hell, dying (especially the prospect of it) terrified him once he was actually in the hot seat, but the thought that it was either him or Red-- and Red had gone through this twice that he knew of-- set his resolve. ...which again, seems to contradict what he was instructed in the first part of the tube message. Maybe he should have let Red take the fall again?
"Or maybe the person I am is someone who wants to look out for people. /o/" Problem solved. Maybe future memories would make him think this over again, but for now he's mostly comfortable with this explanation of himself, both past-him and Blank-him. And while he wants to win however many Games it takes for him to get back to the people waiting for him soon-- whoever they are-- he's pretty sure any memory he wins by sacrificing someone else will have no value to him, no matter how important it may be. And if for some reason it was a choice between him and someone else he cared for getting to finish, he'd let the other one go first.
What does bother him is the times when people like Scowl and Blade treat him like he's incapable-- it irritates him more than he lets on for some reason he can't quite define, but if he had to frame it it would be that he's taken care of himself and his team pretty decently for over two weeks, it's not like he's a liability :/a He can't blame them for their opinion since he knows the first impression they got wasn't exactly fantastic, but it just means he's a little more eager to prove his competence to them.
He's also aware that compared to the other modes of death he's seen so far, his was probably the lightest and easiest lot. And he guesses if he lets on in any way that a part of him is really shit-scared of stepping up to the plate again, Red's going to stop him, and then probably suffer again because he himself chickened out... and while Red's always turned things around with his smiles and energy, more and more Gold's realizing that he's forcing himself in these situations, and he's conflicted between going along with the change of mood or addressing it head-on. The former's what he does for now, because that's what Red seems to want, but if things carry on the way they are there might come a time when there's no way to smile anymore.
Then there's the paradox of not wanting Red to SACRIFICE HIMSELF because not only does it HURT, but it also hurts to watch (he's not sure which one is worse), and knowing that Red would go through the exact same thing if they swapped roles. Which really, utterly sucks, and is Claude's driving force to try and find a way to stop Trickster's Games altogether, because if they do then they won't have to keep making that decision where no one wins and everyone loses. ...He's probably not going to succeed. Where this will take his character? Maybe someplace more negative than now. :(
Dwelling on these things doesn't serve much of a purpose, anyway, with other important things going on around him. He's quite worried about Dusky by now; it's been a week or so since she's gone missing, and Red's predictions of her coming back from being hungry haven't come around :(. He doesn't actively bring it up to the others, but when he's not working with stuff he goes wandering through the caves looking for her, or any sign of her at all. Silver's pretty ambivalent about tasks (for lack of a more polite way to put it), and though he does help out at surprisingly opportune times (occasionally) it feels a lot like him and Red are pretty much The Team at this point of time. He doesn't mind this, though, since he's confident that when they work together they can pull all kinds of stuff off :(b
As for the other teams? Gold's policy is to get to know the people and hopefully maintain friendly terms, if not friendship; unlike Red, though, it's not so much for the sake of their assisting his team in future as just his own idea that since they're all Blanks in the same situation, they should be helping one another rather than letting bastards like the Trickster set them at each other's throats for his own amusement. What Grape and Joe did-- and Fluffy acquiesced to, apparently-- in the latest Trickster game unsettled and horrified him not a little, but while he doesn't understand the why exactly, he's decided to at least give them a chance to explain their view on the thing, since he got all the facts second-hand.
IN CONCLUSION: Likes people, prefers everyone to get along, winning Games is nice but not if it means screwing over others, scared of death, even more unwilling to let other people die for him (esp. certain teammates), FUCK TRICKSTER, figuring out how to best protect people. :/a
haha it's not over yet.
BONUS MATERIAL: chronology of relevant ingame events!
Day 2 - Woke up in Sabra. Met his teammates. Killed his first lizard. Played Game 1 (Trickster), got the horrible tatt, saw Red SHANK HIMSELF for their first win [Happy-Triv - Steak], walked in on Scarlet in the showers, first communal meal with people from other groups (mainly Pyxis and Vulpecula).
Day 2 (? next day, anyway) - Messenger's first visit, soap-making task. Played Game 2 (Soldier), RAP BATTLE. Second win! [Sad-Triv - Barney]
Day 3 - Soap complete!
Day 4 - Missed the hunting party with the giant lizard and Game 3 (Soldier). (Probably taking care of Dusky offscreen and D:ed at Red for busting his arms up.)
Day 5 - MIA for Game 4 (Beauty). VERMIN. :(
Day 6 - MIA for Game 5 (Veils). Third win (in absentia)! [Neu-Triv - Space]
Day 7 - found his way back from
Day 8 - Talked with Rin about Red and the dying thing in general, and Rex and Lucky about the games. Met Fluffy.
Day 9* - Stake-making. Met people (Joe, Chosen, Zack and Steel). Asked to make wooden sword by Chosen. Lucky eating weird mushrooms and puking on Silver. :(
Day 10 - Played Game 8 (Beauty). Fought GIANT METAL LIZARD thanks to Steel. Watched Zack get perforated (what seriously) and fixed him up.
Day 11 - Bitten by Copper :(
Day 12 - Searching for Dusky by now. Met Grandpa and Grape. Ran into all of Hydra in the caves, encountered terapedes, got knocked out and hauled back. Played Game 9 (Angel). Fourth win! [Neu-Sig - Eluria Tower] Late night shower = meeting Braid, accidental tatt exposure to Black.
Day 13 - Played Game 10 (Soldier). Met Bronze. Arranged hunting trip w/ Hydra.
Day 14 - Hunting trip (Blade, Scowl, Red, Bronze, Grandpa). Fatty lizard kill, split halves with Hydra.
Day 15 - Played Game 11 (Veils). DIED but not sure. Played Game 12 (Trickster). DIED AGAIN and very sure about it. Watching the first rift between the teams thanks to Cygnus.
Day 16 - Talked with Scowl and Blade about Game 12 and No Hard Feelings. Talked with Copper. VODKA. Eye-talk with Red. Mentioned his SPAAACE memory to him.
Day 17(?) - Hangover :(. Came too late for Game 13 (Messenger). Noticed Copper had a strange memory. Saw Blade training and talked for a bit.
* - Dusky-mun on hiatus by now and Dusky missing ICly around this time.
...wow that came out pretty long OH WELL.
